...but the sleep won't come...

I've been laying here for over an hour. I'm SO tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open while talking to Dad, so I turned in for the night. I've been this way since I was a kid. I finally get quiet (I know, its hard to believe since nobody has ever seen that side of me before!) and then my mind starts running at 150 mph.

This song popped into my head as I was laying here: (not sure that the words are verbatim, but you get the idea)

"Every road I've traveled down, you have walked before me, I've wandered far still there is far to go... But in my heart there is a longing, to look upon Your face, where You are is where I long to be..."

Isn't it awesome to think that Mom's there NOW!?! She's face to face with Jesus and, if my interpretation of scripture is correct, she's had an amazing reunion with my grandparents, other friends & relatives, but most of all, my sisters... I know she was so happy to hold her babies in her arms once again...

Hug them for me, Mom...

Family news...

Hello my friends and family…

I am sending you this quick e-mail to let you know, if you hadn’t heard already, that my mom, “Weezie”, passed away yesterday morning. I am including in this e-mail the obituary that my aunt & I wrote so you have more information… Thank you for your prayers and concern… You are a blessing!

Much love, Anita

W. Louise "Weezie" Amos Lewis Berkley, 65, went to be with her Lord on July 29, 2008 after a three year battle with lung cancer.

Born in Barwick, GA on January 25, 1943 to the late Frank Amos and the late Violet Amos Myers, Louise moved to Lee County with her family in 1945. She graduated from Fort Myers Senior High School in 1961 and took great pleasure in meeting old friends at annual class reunions. Louise was a long time member of Riverside Church. Her employers included United Telephone Company, Hole Montes, and the School District of Lee County.

Preceding her in death were daughters, Angeline and Angie Lewis, and sister Frances Amos Barber. She is survived by her daughter, Anita L. Lewis of Fort Myers and siblings, Nelson (Korin) Amos of Ypsilanti, MI, Janette (Brian) Christensen of North Fort Myers, Keith (Linda) Amos of Coral Springs, and Beverly (Kevin) Nobles of Alva, and many adored nieces and nephews. Her nieces and nephews meant the world to her. Even while battling cancer, she would do all she could to attend their weddings, graduations and other special events. Family was the most important thing to Louise. For the last 8 months or so, the local family members would gather and have dinner together every Wednesday night. She often commented about how much these outings meant to her.

Family and friends are invited to gather from 4:00-7:00 PM on Friday, August 1st at First Assembly of God, 4701 Colonial Avenue, Fort Myers with funeral services beginning at 6:00. (Private interment)

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to First Assembly of God, Riverside Church, or Hope Hospice of Fort Myers.

Services for mom...

Visitation for mom will be held Friday from 4-6 and the main service will be at 6:00pm at in the main sanctuary at First Assembly of God (click for directions) in Fort Myers.

We look forward to seeing you!

Your calls & notes are SO appreciated... just be patient with me as I return them! =0)

entering heaven's glory....

It is with tears of both joy and sadness that I write this morning... Mom went to be with the Lord just a few minutes ago. She fought hard and left this world with a bunch of her family nearby, keeping watch over her...

Please continue to pray for me and the rest of our clan as we make arrangements and such...

We'll see you again, Mom... we love you!

W. Louise Berkley
Jan. 25, 1943 - July 29, 2008

Bedside vigil...

Just a fast update - sitting at moms bedside. It seems that tonight may mark her homegoing. Please pray for our family as we simply sit & wait...

settling in for a long winters nap...

Mom hasn't shown much movement or communication in the last 12+ hours. At 7:00 this morning, she said "thank you, baby" to Aunt Janette as she repositioned her on the bed. I know I speak for my two aunts and myself when I say those are the moments we will hold on to...

I don't know what I would've done without my aunts during this time. They have been so helpful and supportive... They daily show Christ's love in sacrificing of their time and energy to help mom. I know they will receive many jewels in their crowns for their loving service.

It may sound morbid, but I spent time working on mom's obituary today. I hate throwing things together at the last minute, so I thought I'd get a jump start on it. It was easier than I expected until I started writing about mom's love for her family. I have been so blessed to have grown up being related to such amazing people.

The Hospice nurse came this morning. Mom's blood pressure was 80/60. Every time I walk into her room, I first check to see if she is still breathing. This isn't a fun place to be, but I know that eventually mom will slip into eternity and all of her suffering and exhaustion will be over... for that, I am thankful...

"I want to see Mama..."

I always thought those deathbed scenes in movies were hokey. But tonight, I look at them very differently.

Mom slept all day. Not even waking to take the Lorazepam that she's been taking every 2 hours or so. When I got home from choir practice tonight, she was awake & struggling to talk to Aunt Janette & I. I convinced her to drink a little bit of a strawberry ensure (which she DESPISES, but appeases me by taking a few sips now & then)

Once again, it acted like a wonder drug (which we assume is because it brings her blood sugar up) & she suddenly became coherent. She told us that she loved us and that she appreciated us sitting with her all the time.

My dad walked & I asked her who it was. She said "I don't know, but he sure has big ears!" Ok, so she wasn't *completely* coherent...

She then reached her hand up to my face and started to cry. She said "I want to see Mama." Through tears, I told her I understood & that it was ok. She also asked a couple of times about Frances (her younger sister that died several years ago) wondering if she was here.

All the literature that Hospice has provided tells us that those that are in the end stages of life often seek permission to die... I feel that's what she was doing tonight. I told her we will be fine & asked her to hug Grandma, Aunt Fran and my 2 sisters for us when she sees them...

I believe it won't be long before she has her wish....

Make new friends, but keep the old...

I am happy to report that we've had a couple of quiet days. We have been giving mom .5mg of Lorazepam about every 2 hours (if she's awake to take it) and that seems to help her rest. If she goes more than 3 hours without a dose, she awakens really agitated & tries to get out of bed. She's too weak to accomplish that, but she doesn't know it!

Leta, a dear friend of moms from years past, is here sitting with her tonight. Mom doesn't necessarily know who she is, but thanks all of us for sitting with her (during her rare semi-lucid moments). This gives my Aunt Janette a MUCH needed break. She and my Aunt Bev have been SUCH a tremendous help with mom. God truly blessed us with an amazing family!

A dear NEW friend of mine, Stephanie, came & gave my Aunt Janette & I massages tonight. Ain't nothing that soothes tired muscles and worn out emotions like a massage! (she is VERY good & VERY reasonable - contact me if you'd like her information!)

well, kids... I'm off to bed. That massage has me ready to drift off to sleep! Just had to take a minute to say THANK YOU to my family & friends that are all working so hard to make this incredibly difficult time much easier - you are all appreciated!

Bobo Credenza...

This morning as we sat looking out into the yard, mom said "do you see that little dog out there playing?" I said "yes ma'am. What's that dogs name?" She said "Bobo Credenza... Don't you know him?"

My funny family...

I just had to share (with her permission, of course) a funny moment with my sleep deprived Aunt Janette... (she has sacrificed of herself & spent the last three sleepless nights sitting up with mom - many props to her!)

anyway, I told her that two friends, A'Rucas & Tiah (props to you guys, too), were going to loan us a baby monitor. Her shocked expression coupled with "WHY?" kind of took me by surprise...

Suddenly, I realised she thought I was accepting a gift of a small lizard...

the awesome complexities of the brain...

Mom was getting really agitated again. She said "I just want a cigarette." So, being the dutiful daughter I am, I loaded Weeze into her wheelchair & took her to the back of the house where I could shut off the rest of the house & opened the door to outside. After letting her smoke ONE cigarette in MY house (I KNOW I WILL get jewels in my crown for that alone) I realized that her HOLDING an unlit one had the same effect! DANG IT!

We just had a polite chat as strangers on a train to Lakeland. She was going to visit Tony and his new wife (I have NO idea) but thinks she married him for his money.

Apparently I look JUST like her daughter so she took my picture with her tea glass. She called out "Nita! Nita! I want you to meet this girl!" She said "my daughter is so good. She's a great driver and a wonderful singer. She really took great care of me while I was sick" - I admit it... I cried a little...

We're off the train now & I have her back in bed. This has been a very difficult 24 hours. Its like play acting... except you realise quickly that she isn't acting. Today is the first time she hasn't known me... That was hard...

But for now, she sleeps...

Sundowners Syndrome...

Just doing some reading up to try to understand what was going on with mom tonight. My cousin Lorraine told me her mom had similar happen to her after a long battle with cancer. It was called Sundowners Syndrome. These websites contained some interesting information about it. Check them out when you get a chance:

http://alzheimers.aplaceformom.com/articles/sundowners-syndrome/

http://www.sundownerfacts.com/_symptoms/

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-sundowners-syndrome.htm

Moms mind is GONE. We may have to try to restrain her - was angry & tried to escape, going from door to door. Sleeping now

Ensure - the new wonder drug...

so... yesterday, mom slept most of the day. She tried to communicate, but we really couldn't understand more than "uh huh" & "un uh"... She's been more alert today, so we decided to give her a little more sustenance (a little jello , a little oatmeal , and some coffee ) Because of this food intake, I decided to check her blood sugar. (link shows you an article about normal levels) It was 38!

So I forced her to drink some Ensure (which she DESPISES!) and about 20 minutes later we could actually understand what she was saying (most of it, anyway)! She's napping now, but definitely feeling better!


thanks for praying!
Anita

Moms been awake since about 4 - she's been trying to talk & we can understand a little bit. Says she has no pain, PTL!

Midnight ramblings...

Just now, I sent my boss an email requesting a leave of absence. This is my explanation to him - I thought I'd share it with you:

I'm not in a position to leave mom - having a hard enough time falling asleep knowing she could be hurting & I'd never know it. That is what is unbearable to me. Losing her is not the worst part - because I know where she's going... I just can't bear for her to hurt or be lonely or afraid... That makes me weep...

I've often wondered about my passion for the world. I've come to the realization that I am STRONGLY moved by and long to end another human beings' suffering. Meeting their bodily needs extinguishes that IMMEDIATE suffering, however, introducing them to Christ can bring them peace that passes ALL understanding and put an end to a LIFETIME of suffering... Does that make sense?

As an aside: I went in to tell Mom goodnight & that I was headed to bed (the neurontin was kicking in & I was/am getting sleepy). She mumbled something, hence starting the game of asking her yes/no questions (ie: are you in pain? Do you want ice chips? etc.) She looked over at me once with a look on her face that SO evidently said "why the heck are you still here?" I grinned a cheesy grin at her & she flashed a gummy grin back! As gone as quickly as it appeared, it made Aunt Janette & I laugh! She then said "GO TO BED!" So even at her unhealthiest, she still feels the need to boss me around... Mothers! (geesh!)

nite...

no news... is still news...

I appreciate SO much all the phone calls, texts and emails... I truly am blessed - first with the AMAZING family I was born into (on both sides of the parental scale) and the family I have inherited over the years in all of my travels...

Mom is resting comfortably. She sometimes responds to yes & no questions, but most of all, she sleeps.


On a funny note: this afternoon Hadi, my faithful pup, was barking at some of the MORONIC city workers (that's an entire story in itself) that have been paving, then tearing up, then repaving our street. Mom got VERY loud and told Hadi something that only the two of them understood! It was a riot! Even as she prepares to go heavenward, she still has a great sense of humor!

Thank you for you prayers... Our family is ready for mom's impending death, as we know SHE is ready for it... Make sure your family is as well!

Love y'all...
Anita

Update on Mom...

Just thought I would let you know of the changes that have happened in the last 12 or so hours. Mom appears to have had a stroke sometime during the night and is, for the most part, unresponsive. A nurse from Hospice has been out this morning and she found mom's pupils to be dilated and almost fixed... It seems that mom is in the "home" stretch and will soon see Jesus face to face.

Future updates will be posted to my blog www.nitalew.blogspot.com

Thank you so much for your prayers... I appreciate you all!

Much love,
Anita

It seems mom has had a stroke. We moved her into a hospital bed so she can be more comfy & I called her siblings. Pray on.

Moms exhibiting stroke-like symptoms this am - groaning, but not able to speak, sleeping hard. I have a call in to Hospice

Catching up...

Since my last post, there have been several changes:

- I saw the surgeon & he dismissed me from his care. Said whatever that is going on in my throat is not surgical. I'm happy to report I haven't felt the pressure in my throat for days!

- last Sat. night, mom fell & was too weak to get up. At that point, I told her she no longer had a choice & the next day, we moved her into my house. Hospice brought some pain meds & I have stopped giving her some of her pills because its so hard for her to swallow them without choking.

she's had a couple of really good days, but this morning woke up very disoriented and refused to eat because everything tasted funny. She kept muttering "this bed is so crooked."

I have called Hospice & asked them to send someone to help me get her cleaned up a bit because she's too weak to sit up, none-the-less walk to the bathroom.

please keep us in your prayers as I feel today is going to be a long day...

A

status update

As you can see, I'm *finally* getting a chance to send out a note at 10:30pm. I'm lying prostrate in my bed wondering where the day went..

The new job is great. Busy, but great. Its not technically a "new" job, but a LOT more responsibilities have been added (Music Dept.) to the jobI already had (Media Dept.). My boss, Pastor Mike, is a real character & we are constantly laughing... But he's also a military guy, so also we get a lot accomplished! He's great about allowing me a lot of flexibility with my schedule so I can continue to help mom, which is becoming more of a task than ever before. But its all good.

I'm feeling ok. My throat has been bothering me the last few days & I have an appt with the surgeon in the morning as a follow up to the CT he ordered a few weeks ago. He will decide what, if anything, we do from here.

I continue to take neurontin (link with a description to be added later, that is, if I remember!) nightly and other meds during the day for the headaches. The only thing that will "cure" my Chiari Malformation is Divine Healing (please, Lord!) or neuro-surgery, so the meds will have to do for now!

Dad is doing well. He's been a huge help in regards to mom. Don't know what I'd do without him...

Please keep praying. God listens!

a